3 Phases

I was thinking of this post today during nap time. I will start with an amazing scripture Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope hope and a future.

My beautiful children have taught so much and I hope I can remember everything that I was thinking. I cant really remember where to start but I will start with when we first learned we were pregnant with Dylan. In Jim's words "I feel like Ive just won the lottery." During that pregnancy we found out things werent going right. We were told Dylan wasnt measuring right. At the same time my blood pressure was getting higher and higher. I just kept trusting God, thinking no matter what kind of child Dylan was he would be my special boy. Not to much longer after that he was born, very tiny and very sick. I was just so positive and then absolutely crushed when he died. I really thought he would be ok.

The first phase was utter Devestation! Why did this happen? Why didnt Dylan make it? The day after we died my parents and Jim and I were at a restaraunt for breakfast absolutely bawling. It really feels like a lifetime ago. I remember my dad saying Dylan fulfilled his purpose on life! What, he was too little, too young! WHY! After we buried him, I was just in another world. My dr finally convinced me to take the anti-depressants he had prescribed weeks ago. It doesnt make you weak to take them. Im really glad I did that. It didnt matter where I went I saw pregnant women and babies. Why me! Why cant that be me! One scipture that continued to minister to me was Jeremiah 29:11 God has plans for me and they include a hope and a future. This certainly wasnt a place for hope and my future had just died! Why me God!

During this phase I met some wonderful ladies and their husbands who had experienced the same thing: losing their future. How great to have people who know how you feel and understand my new sick sense of humor. I highly recommend people join a support group. The first year was tough and we got through holidays and anniversaries together.

Phase 2- HOPE Our dr recommended that we wait a year for my body to heal before we tried again. He even gave us great statistics on how this should never happen again. We were surprised to find out this little one was a little girl and we immediately started calling her Olivia Grace. Because of my history I was watched very closely and this time I was put into the hospital. Unfortunately the good statistics werent going to hold up for me. Olivia was born early too but she looked different than Dylan in that she was healthier. She spent 87 days in the hospital. She made it! She made it!

Phase 3- FUTURE We were so happy with our baby girl and then suddenly there were two baby girls. Another short pregnancy but Ava was even healthier than Olivia. I would say our future is very full now. We are in a place that I really never thought we would be in. Two sweet little girls. My girlfriends from the support group also now have children. Weve come different ways to be parents but here we are. When one of us gets frustrated with our kids, another reminds us"Weve had the alternative and it wasnt good. Absolute silence, no cryiing, no defiance, no sweet cuddles and it was terrible." Oh yes I will take this any day!

4 1/2 years ago my life was so agonizing. Why did that happen to me? Why did you allows me this broken road Lord? While I lay down today after a fun filled day of walking around in a park with my beautiful girls I had this image. You see that bridge across a valley that looks like no one could make it across? I would never have gone on that old rickety thing by my choice, but God brought me through. After that bridge there was construction , God really helped me navigate the way so I wouldnt fall into the deep trenches on either side but hear I am safe. One thing is for sure 2 Corinthians 2:14 Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place.